Content warning: this post discusses domestic violence and coercive control.
I recently sat down for a conversation on the Honestly, me too. podcast and talked, openly, about twenty years of my life inside a cycle of domestic violence — with the same person, over and over again.
It’s the first time I’ve told that part of my story publicly, in full. And the question that sits underneath almost every conversation about abuse is the one I’ve been asked more times than I can count: why didn’t you just leave?
I understand why people ask it. From the outside, it looks like a simple decision. From the inside, it never is.
What people don’t see
As a Clinical Hypnotherapist and Psychotherapist, I now spend my working life helping people recognise the patterns that kept me — and keep so many others — stuck for far longer than makes sense from the outside.
Coercive control doesn’t announce itself. It erodes a person’s sense of self so gradually that by the time you’d call it “abuse,” you’ve often stopped trusting your own read of the situation entirely. Leaving isn’t one decision.
It’s often dozens of attempts, undone by fear, finances, hope, love, and a nervous system that has learned staying feels safer than the unknown.
That’s the cycle I work with clients to interrupt now — not just the relationship itself, but the identity that gets rebuilt around it. Rebuilding who you are after that kind of erosion is slower and harder than people expect, and it’s the work closest to my heart.
Why I’m sharing this now
This conversation is the first part of a longer story, and it connects directly to the work I do through my Identity Restoration Program and my book, I See You — both born out of the same conviction: that the people living this don’t need to be told to “just leave.” They need to be seen, believed, and given a way back to themselves.
If this resonates with you, or with someone you know, I’d encourage you to listen to the full episode.
🎧 Listen to “Nicole’s Story – Part 1” on Spotify
If you or someone you know is affected by domestic or family violence, support is available 24/7 through 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) or 1800respect.org.au.
